[me] so… How are you feeling today? Gooder or worser?
[14yo] You did not just say that.
[me] what. Are you saying my vocabulistics is badder or lesser badder?
[14yo] STOP.
[me] so… How are you feeling today? Gooder or worser?
[14yo] You did not just say that.
[me] what. Are you saying my vocabulistics is badder or lesser badder?
[14yo] STOP.
[me] oh! (Noticing something)… Huh.
[wife] What.
[14yo] What.
[me] Look at this. Look close.
[14yo] What are those?
[me] Baby spiders. It’s pretty co-
[wife & 14yo] OH HELL NAW THAT’S NOPE GET IT OUT I CAN’T EVEN WHAT ARE YOU NOOOOOOOOPE
[me] Are you packed? I’m dropping you off tomorrow and mummy is picking you up with Christopher.
[14yo] ‘Christopher’, my brother?
[me] Noooooo, Christopher Ecclestone. He played “Dr Who” for the first few seasons of the reboot.
[14yo] …What?
[me] Mummy met him online four months ago, she didn’t tell you? He’s really excited to meet you, you can ask him about his role in ‘Shallow Grave’ with Ewan MacGregor….
[14yo] Ugh! Stop! *Slams door
[me] …. If daddies were fishes, she’d have thrown me back years ago.
[wife] YEP!
[13yo] I’m taking my clothes tomorrow morning to practice so I can get changed before school.
[me] A’ight
[13yo] … Did you just say “A’ight”?
[me] Yep. I’m really cool. If I squeeze in two more “a’ight”s today, I’ll get my status upgraded to “hella dope”.
[13yo] …never say that again.
[me] how was school?
[13yo] fine.
[me] yeah? anything exciting?
[13yo] no.
[me] nothing? pretty boring?
[13yo] mmmhmm.
[me] I mean, it’s kind of nice to be at a mundane school. We initially thought about sending you to ‘Bear Attack and Giant Explosion Elementary’, but chose not to.
[13yo] …
[me] Not because of the bears and explosions, though. They just didn’t have a very good cafeteria program.
[13yo] … *reluctant guffaw*
[me] [enters bedroom after knocking] Hey, it’s 7, are you awake?
[13yo] [raises arms from nebulous nest of blankets, offers thumbs up]
[me] Okay….. but are you still so sleepy that as soon as I leave, you’ll just go back to sleep?
[13yo] [raises same arm from nebulous nest… offers thumb sideways]
[me] well played. [retreats]
[me] Does your friend want a cookie?
[12yo] She’s in the bathroom.
[me] She doesn’t eat cookies in the bathroom? You got weird friends.
[ladytype] She can’t go GIVE it to her while she’s IN the bathroom.
[me] You don’t do that? YOU got weird friends.
[12yo] YOU got a weird hygiene system!
[me] … thank you for referring to it as a system.
[12yo] So my coach has a comeback for anyone when they don’t want to do something. They say “I don’t want to run to the bridge” and coach says “YOU’RE a bridge!”
[me] My friend does that, but he’s simplified it even more. Anytime someone tries anything like on on him, he just says “so’s your face.”
[12yo] That sounds silly.
[me] So’s your face.
[12yo] YOU’RE A FACE!
[song on radio] baby I will be loving you till we’re 70…
[11yo singing] and then I will break up with you at at 71…
[ladytype] …I can’t listen to that song the same way anymore!
[11yo] You’re welcome!
[11yo] Ooh!! A Boat banana! Can we buy this? It’s only a dollar!
[me] …Sure.
[11yo] Boat Banana! Boat Banana! Boat Banana!
[me] It sounds like you’re saying “boat… Banana”. Is that actually the name of the product?
[11yo] It’s a Boat Banana!! … But I may rename it. I might name him “Jeff”.